I lost myself earlier this year, and this wasn’t the first time. Once was years ago when I found myself with a newborn and a two year old and couldn’t remember the last time I’d done something that I wanted. I bounced a sleeping infant in her bassinet with my foot while holding breast pumps to my chest while my two-year old destroyed the living room while mentally reviewing the past two years and the foreseeable year ahead. This “season” in my life was dedicated to babies and making sure that they had everything they needed.

I remember how I sat there thinking how much I loved them in contrast to how difficult and stressful this seemed. I managed to convince myself that this repetitive scene so common in my life at this moment was just a phase. I quietly evaluated these feelings of being lost and feeling “not enough” and decided they too would pass. I excused these feelings only because I believed the societal assumption that it would feel like this until the kids were older.

I remember thinking “Who am I though?”

At that time there was no real answer. I felt more whole when I went back to work after maternity leave and discovered my need to feel important elsewhere, besides being Mom. I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom, at least not now. I managed to just survive through the diapers, pump parts, formula, and constantly changing demands of what we unknowingly sign up for when deciding to have kids. 

Fast Forward

That was years ago. This time the kids are not my excuse. They are fully functional, ask clear, calculated questions, can dress themselves and wipe their own bums. This time, I’d allowed my job, my commute, the stress and pressure of managing a household, missed opportunities, my perception of too little time, and lack of communication and support in my work life take over my soul. 

For months I’d been struggling, working late nights & early mornings, missing my kids, being mentally and sometimes physically absent from the weekends, and was even late to dinners when I’d said I’d be home an hour before… for months. This is basically what my summer looked like. I had a constant buzzing headache, tense shoulders, back pain, drank way too much coffee, gave up working out, and was needing – needing – a glass of wine each evening. 

I was taking on so much pressure at work and felt so much guilt and blame that I could not get enough done each week, each day, and definitely each month. Every time I left work, I felt bad that not enough was finished even though I’d worked like a mad woman all day. Every time I left home, I felt the absence from my kids tearing at my heart. Each task always took longer than anticipated and each project moved like a snail. No matter how much I did or how committed I was.

This was my breaking point. Why was I such a victim all of a sudden? How had external pressures began to rule my world? I was either going to end up in the hospital or things were going to change. Why I had to be pushed to this extreme in order to recognize these issues, I’ll never know.

Ripping off the bandaid

You’ll unintentionally find yourself in tough situations, but you’ll never unintentionally dig your way out. A life of happiness, freedom, and clarity isn’t found by accident. Intentional action was what it was going to take for me to rectify my feelings and these circumstances. 

Tough decisions were made. Fights were had. Guilt and fear associated with facing the reality that I couldn’t be EVERYTHING in that moment boiled to the surface. Some people questioned my decisions, likely because they didn’t understand the depth of what I was dealing with.

Were these decisions at the risk of disappointing others? Sure. 

But what’s more important, my peace of mind or their agreement with my choices?

External pressures I had allowed to take up space, to have control, and to influence the way I was choosing to live led to this summers’ borderline-panic attack experience. I hadn’t been intentional about the demands on my time. I take ownership of that. It’s the perfect example of how not to do things. As much as I believe that we CAN have it all, we can’t without very intentional boundaries and purposeful planning in our lives. 

Do it for the love

I know I’m not alone here when I share that the demands of family, including young kids, full time career, social media, an attempt to have mom-friends, plus all of the peripheral activities like birthday parties, meet ups, and extracurricular events are, at times, or maybe all of the time, absolutely overwhelming. Even if you just have half of these things going on, you’re probably overwhelmed. 

And I’m here to tell you it’s ok. It’s ok to step back. It’s ok to re-evaluate your priorities and decide which items are really worth stressing over. I did it because I had no choice. I’d pushed myself to the brink of a breakdown but I wish I hadn’t. Unfortunately change only comes when we are made to. I wrote out a priority list, in black and white, so there was no fudging it or muddying the waters. 

I’m going to just let you know up front, and it may surprise you and it may not, but the places where you spend all day (work anyone?) and expend all of your energy is NOT going to be high on your list. Sure, it’s your way of life, your income, the reason you’re able to afford that nice home and warm bed. But when you’re really honest with yourself about what matters in life, things like time with kids and husband are top of mind. 

It all puts it into perspective doesn’t it? 

That stress that we bring home and those nights that we can’t sleep because we’re dreaming of how to solve some issue or meet some deadline just isn’t worth it. Somehow I’d lost the ability to separate what I do during the day from the things I do actually care about. Things others expected of me, or worse, things I THOUGHT others expected of me had taken over my life.

So here were my two beautiful children, my husband, and my friends who so dearly wanted to be close to me and to have my attention, but there was none left to give.

I was unreliable, short tempered, wouldn’t return phone calls, would sometimes respond to text, and barely could muster the energy to interact with my family over dinner, all because I was maxed out and stretched too thin.

“Who am I?” I thought very clearly for at least the second time in my recent adult life. 

I was absolutely offended at the picture of the person I’d become. This wasn’t the way I wanted to feel and definitely wasn’t reflective of how I expect to lead my life.

I’ve heard the phrase “fill your cup” or other variances of that thrown around. I’ve even seen several friends post “My cup is so full!” With their beautiful, perfectly edited selfie after some event, but didn’t really get it. 

After this experience, I get it, I get it 100%. I came face to face with a ghost of myself- an empty, exhausted soul who so desperately needed to reevaluate my priorities. 

I never want to feel that way again. 

Pick a perspective and let it be powerful

So, I took some time off- from everything. From friends, events, birthday parties, and social media. I cancelled gymnastics for my kids, opted not to sign them up for dance, and even decided not to throw our annual Christmas bash. 

I switched jobs, revisited my fitness and morning routines, and handled ME. Things came up, as irony would have it, and nothing really went as planned. It didn’t matter though because this mission was bigger than me. It had to do with healing myself and the things in my life that were negatively affecting me so that I could be a better mom. No other goal is comparable to that. 

My passion for ensuring that my children have a strong trajectory is unquenchable. My kids happiness and my ability to positively support them and groom them into well-rounded, responsible, financially savvy humans who can thoroughly enjoy life is of utmost importance to me. How could I ever expect to do this if I’m not okay?

Months have gone by and I’ve been pursuing a healthier life by taking calculated, persistent steps toward my own clarity and mental health. Overwhelm and anxiety and even depression are such a common thread between us, but no one ever talks about it. These feelings are amplified by holidays, birthdays, and large events in our lives such as the start of the school year or even New Years Holiday, yet we close them off and shut them in and deal with them privately, hidden from the scrutinous eyes of others.

I took some specific steps to help me toward healing that I hope you’ll find helpful if you’re facing holiday stress, family tension, financial burdens, career stress, or general overwhelm at any time. 

Helpful Tips for Healing

For one, you’re not alone. We as a community are becoming, albeit slowly, more open and conversational about our issues. More people every day are opening up about their experiences. No diagnosis needed, we all know what overwhelm looks and feels like. 

Speak out and speak up with your friends and loved ones. Even if you’re not seeking help, just try to share with others how you feel. Sometimes just talking about things can figuratively get it off your chest. Things you thought would disappoint people (like if you didn’t make it to their party) may not be such a let down and discussing it openly may provide you a sense of relief. Communicating with your partner so they can see why your plate is so full and how to help can really take the pressure off.

Get organized. Take some time to yourself and organize something that will make your life easier. There are things we see each week or each day and sigh out of frustration, but “never have time” to change it or deal with it. Take the time to fix it, declutter it, move it, or whatever it will take to make that twinge of tension disappear.

Maybe it’s your kids events that is a source of stress. If so, I suggest trimming down the activities to relieve the level of commitment. In addition, getting a planner (For a free 2 week planner, download here.) and taking the time to get who’s supposed to be where at what time down on paper.  Any level of decluttering and organization can help. 

Alleviate stressors by simply saying “no thank you.” I’ve heard “just say no” my whole life. Saying no triggers the fear that we’re going to miss something, but I’d like to flip it around on you. Politely saying “No thank you” to an invitation, and event, or even cancelling a kids’ activity actually allows space for more joy and happiness in your life. 

Problem Solve. When I took a hard look at my stressors, I realized that there were so many open-ended things that needed to be done. Problems that needed my attention were always in the back of my mind because I felt I never had time to fully deal with them. Make a list of those phone calls, online tasks, errands to run, and other peripheral tasks and make time to do them so that they are out of your mind and solved, forever. 

Simplification. Find routines or actions that you or your family go through daily or weekly, particularly the stressful, time crunched, or frustrating ones. What about those routines could be simplified or streamlined to make each day and each week easier? I asked myself this daily over the course of a couple of weeks, constantly looking for something that shouldn’t be so complicated. Maybe it’s the morning hustle or maybe it’s the money spent on cafe lunches because you “don’t have time” to make a lunch?

Our thoughts have power. Every time you start to feel pressure, pause, take some deep breaths and force yourself to think positively. Repeat things like “I am organized”, “I am calm”, and “I am peaceful” to yourself. Say them out loud or write them down too. 

Giving myself grace from now on

My expectations of this life, without boundaries, simplification, and intention were just plain unmanageable. I see and am working through the necessary changes. Most of all, I vow to give myself grace when I slip up. 

There’s bound to be a situation in which I allow overwhelm to seep in. I give myself permission to make those mistakes and vow to gracefully correct them. 

Feeling lost and overwhelmed like that sucked. I never want to feel that again. Even more so, I hope that sharing this experience and the steps I took to claw my way back to positivity can help you ward off these feelings before you’re pushed to the brink like I was.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re going through, the biggest thing that I’ve had to realize over the past year is this: 

When we allow others’ opinions of us control how we feel and what we do, we give up the power to act on our own priorities and feel good about them. 

BAM. I still re-read that sentence multiple times over each day and process it, let it sink in, and absorb whatever it means to me in that moment. 

Accepting and celebrating myself

I accept that I may be strange. Others may not “get” me. I’ve had to digest this for quite some time and I finally think that I’ve come to accept and be confident in myself. I’ve decided to believe with all my heart in who I am and that the things that I want are good enough for ME. I’ve realized the decisions I make and the things I choose and my happiness in those things are what matters to me, and it does NOT matter if someone agrees with my choice. This is my life after all, not theirs.

This is a really tough one, and I can’t say I’ve fully mastered this practice. I still revert, find myself feeling pressure because of what someone else thinks, and have to remind myself again that I am the only one in charge of my life. 

In hopes that you can pursue your own simplification, positive affirmations, and stressor management in order to lead a happier, more fulfilled life avoidant of anxiety and overwhelm, please just realize that you aren’t alone, and regardless of what you see on the outside, we’re all struggling with something on the inside.