Or Just Diversions?

Something that’s been incessantly on my mind lately is the idea of allowing self-care into our busy lives. And NOT in the manicures and highlights and typical #selfcare way, I mean REAL self-care – like things that actually improve your quality of life, remind you of the value you bring to the world, and bring your stress level down for the foreseeable future.

Self-care is often thrown around when someone is taking part in an action that may look cool or seem fun for the moment, but that they really shouldn’t be doing. The “because… self-care” movement has opened the gates for selfish behavior and given people across the board an outlet in which to flaunt their ridiculous behavior. 

Take a “braggable moment” for example – ordering the brownie when you’re already full. It isn’t self-care, it’s self-sabotage. That little smirk you shot while you quipped a reassuring “I deserve it” should be a glaring red flag.

Instead, actions like this have become laughable and acceptable and may even receive a “You go girl!” from a few seats away. 

But I’m confused.

You deserve what? An upset stomach? Do you deserve to spend the next day/ week replaying a negative internal monologue of guilt around the consumption of that dessert? Do you deserve feelings of forced workouts because you’ve “got to” work off those calories?

No and No. Stop it!

If only that brownie came with a note that said, “Congratulations! Enjoy caring for your indigestion and upset stomach for the rest of the evening… all because THIS was your coping mechanism of choice.”  

Maybe we’d think twice? 

It sounds like I’m hating on the weight-loss crowd or perpetuating the diet and deprivation culture, and I promise, I’m not. I use the brownie example because that’s a personal story of my own, that I’ve lived 1000 times and probably will again sometime in the future. 

Notice I said coping mechanism back there? Sit back and think on that for a moment. Switch out the brownie for anything – a new outfit, a mani/pedi, anything you can think of that you’ve said you ‘deserve’ at one point or another… maybe even a glass of wine. We’re often using treats and indulgent rewards as coping mechanisms instead of truly seeking out ways to alleviate stress.

We, and society around us, have somehow gotten to a point where we’ve got it ALL completely backward. 

Episode 8 on Reaching Abundance: Are You Allowing REAL Self-Care Into Your Life?

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Lies We’ve Come to Believe as Truths

So, let’s take a minute and evaluate all the things that we skip or avoid and the things we do instead, while claiming that we needed a self-care minute.

Skipping the workout day after day isn’t self-care, it’s the avoidance of focused effort toward a healthier mind and body and a choice to feel sluggish, be down on ourselves about our shape, and our allowance another tier of potential shame in our lives. 

Using another personal story as an example, I figured out long ago that new highlights made feel great in the moment, were a great change of pace for that gal in the mirror, and boosted my ego with compliments for several weeks. But is any of that true self-care?

Nah. It was just a bandaid for the real, raw, negative feelings I had for myself. The highlights were a distraction from my imperfect skin, a “shiny object” to detract attention from my hidden, yet very real body image issues, and a way that I was able to exert control over what people saw of me.

I didn’t need to spend $80 every 6 weeks – which is a great price by the way, don’t get me wrong, and my hair girl is FABULOUS! – because all that did was apply a mask to my real feelings about my looks, add some guilt like a cherry on top about the money that was being spent selfishly, and perpetuate the image I thought other people needed to see to like me. 

What’s The Actual Story – The One Under The Surface?

Same thing goes for spray tans and fake nails and new shoes every week. Switch out your selfish action, whatever it is. What do you use to dress up and hide the secret negative self-worth that you actually feel when you look in the mirror?

This isn’t a lecture. This isn’t to bash those who religiously get their nails did. I still absolutely get my nails done, and just recently I got my eyebrows microbladed, and I love them! But there’s a difference to what I was doing back then and the feelings I had around WHY I was getting new clothes or the highlights or whatever versus the choices I make now and the feelings behind them.

These are the questions, the slap in the face, and the hard reality I had to dig deep and find out –

What image are you trying to uphold or prove?

What are you doing in an attempt to “show them” what you want them to see?

What lie are you perpetuating through those actions in order to fill the void and maintain the image? 

There are no right or wrong answers to these questions and maybe you have to rephrase some of them to make them applicable to your life. And maybe you’ve never thought about things this way so you don’t have any answers right away. All of that is okay.

It took me years – basically my whole life up until now to realize what I was doing was not self care and that it was actually just wasteful selfish actions that I was taking part in, in an effort to fill a void.

To put it in much more perfect words, my lovely friend at Quantum Body Wellness who focuses on mind-body connection through Ayurvedic therapy and massage says, “Self care is calming the nervous system, not just meaningless activities.” And, holy moly, she completely nailed that one!

Listen to the whole she-bang on YouTube! ->

My Own Self-Care Journey

Increasing my personal confidence, comfort and acceptance around my height, weight, and curves, happiness with my looks, and even finding a sense of fulfillment and purpose in this life have all been a part of my journey the past several years.

Now, by no means do I have it all figured out, but I’m a LOT happier, comfortable, and confident than I ever was before in my life. All because I decided I no longer wanted to be afraid of, much less care, what people thought and because I knew that I’d have to love myself before I could ever truly expect my kids to love themselves.

As a mom, when I began this self-discovery journey toward true self care, nothing in the world made me more sad than the thought of raising a child to have all these skills, this great education, support in every way possible, the best of everything… What was the point and what could they do with all this energy and effort and positive vibes if they weren’t taught to love themselves  and believe in themselves first and foremost?

As I’ve said before, and I’m sure you’ve heard it from people besides me, children will do what we do, not as we say. This, is the biggest motivator of all for me right now and has been since the day my first child was born.

I work so hard and will continue to work to be the absolute best example possible for my children. I’ll walk the walk AND talk to them about it in hopes they will be able to live to their full potential and reach a level of abundance I can only dream of BECAUSE they had a good mentor and teacher in me.

How To Know If Something is REAL Self-Care?

Identify The Imposter Activities – The Ones Disguised as Self-Care That Are Really Self-Sabotage

So if all the peripheral, commonly touted, social media bragged, “look at me” type things aren’t self care, then what on earth is?

What activities are actually self care?

And how do we know the difference between an imposter activity and the real deal?

Here’s the easiest, boldest indicator: If it’s something that will result in any measure of guilt, it’s not true self care.

If you cancelled on a friend or said you were going to an event but didn’t, and thought “self-care” to yourself with a shoulder shrug while simultaneously shoving down feelings of guilt that you left someone hanging… that’s not really self-care.

If you went for some retail therapy because your feelings are hurt or you had a bad day, and you found yourself spending unbudgeted money on stuff you don’t even need that you’ll want to return in a few days, that’s not self care. That’s the coping method of choice.

Buying things because they are pretty and marketed well and, for a second you fall prey to believing that you’ll feel better or prettier when you wear that new top or carry that new handbag and that your problems will be easier to deal with.

But what’s really happening? You’re setting yourself up for guilt around money spent, time wasted, and you’re funneling your emotions into a meaningless action instead of truly dealing with the thoughts and feelings from the bad day or argument or whatever it was… that’s not self-care.

Online shopping, when developed as a habit to cope with boredom or stress, is along the same lines. You just browse and put pretty things in your cart because you’re buying into deception that if you wear that necklace, drink that shake, or carry that purse, your “new look” will cast a shadow on whatever problems you’re having elsewhere in your life, when really what you’re doing is ignoring your true feelings and issues… that’s not self-care.

Insisting on that consistent salon visit because you need “me time” when you’re only indulging in this habit for peripheral reasons…because you’re trying to fit in with other women at work, buying the belief that you’ll appear more professional, or because you crave attention/praise around having a fresh set of tips, when really you stress behind the scenes about money, argue about priorities with your husband, and feel guilty about pawning off the kids for that additional hour… that’s not self-care.

Okay Then, Which Activities Are REAL Self-Care?

Actual self care consists of activities that improve your quality of life (and maybe those around you) for a prolonged period of time. These are things that calm your nervous system, activities that may or may not have to do with creating a healthier sleep schedule, exercise routine or meal plan, things that might require a little sacrifice now so that you can reap the benefits in the long run, and actions that you’d be proud of instead of feeling guilty about or feeling the need to justify.

Actions that I’ve discovered are real, true self-care for me include contributing to retirement, walking or jogging outdoors by myself, hiring service professionals to take the pressure off, and dedicating real time off.

Actions that I’ve discovered are real, true self-care for me include contributing to retirement, walking or jogging outdoors by myself, hiring service professionals to take the pressure off, and dedicating real time off.  That time off may include a hot bath, yoga, or getting a massage, and even time with friends. I even would go so far as to say that quiet time with a book, an hour allotted each Sunday to coordinate schedules and put things on the calendar, or even meal prepping are self-care.

Now, I see you – you’re like what? How is meal prepping self-care? How is coordinating schedule and calendaring self-care?

This short list of things, and there’s more where that came from, is full of activities that when I do them, they make my life, and the lives of those around me better. When these things (calendaring, planning the week or weekend, and meal prepping) happen, I’m less stressed, clearer headed, and more present – which are completely my #goalsinlife at this point.

So, let’s talk through these…

Retirement Contributions

Real self-care IS contributing to retirement. I feel proud with every dollar contributed to provide myself a secure future. With each deposit in my IRA, I’m comforted that my children and grandchildren won’t be responsible for taking care of my old wrinkly self 50 years from now.

Sure, there’s a little sacrifice out of today’s budget in order to make those contributions, if you want to look at it that way, but there’s no guilt and there’s definitely a long term benefit to contributing, therefore planning for and contributing to retirement is definitely self-care. I bet you never thought of it this way, did you?

Working Out

Ah, the dreaded workout. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve silenced the alarm and rolled over and went back to sleep instead of going out for a run as intended. Self-care? Nope, just the opposite.

When I do this – and this seems to be another one of those life lessons that has to be taught to me 1000 times – I feel sluggish, fog-brained, and basically terrible about myself all day. My inner monologue is typically negative on days when I avoid working out which tells me that the act or acts that take place toward avoiding working out is 100% in the sabotage realm.

Alternatively, when I ensure that workout happens, I’m full of energy throughout the day, have an ultra positive mindset, feel less foggy and less stressed, and I swear I look better in my clothes even though my weight doesn’t change. 

Yes, working out requires effort, sweat, and time, but it also provides health and mood benefits, and, if you want to dig further, it provides wealth into the future because you’ll theoretically have less health issues. The less hospital visits you have and the less prescriptions you need, the more of your money gets to be used where you want it to be – like on a vacation or new countertops in the kitchen or whatever floats your mama-boat.

To me, the line is clear – the positives to working out outweigh the minutes of dread leading up to actually lacing up my shoes and walking out the door – so working out (any type of working out whether you are a runner, you use an app, or you go to the gym) is definitely self-care.

Meal Prep

When I begin the week with meals planned, groceries purchased, and things 1/2 way prepared, my week is less stressful and I’m not frozen or tripped up the moment someone asks for dinner. I’ve taken the time to look at our schedules, think about the kids activities and what’s on the calendar each night of the week, and plan a comparable meal.

If it’s a soccer or swim night  and we’re on the go, I don’t have to stop working 30 minutes prior to leaving the house just so that I can stand staring into the fridge for 10 minutes trying to think of what I can make quickly and pack.

The list of food planned for each night is on the fridge, the meat is already cooked and the vegetables are already chopped – so there’s no stress, panicked thinking, or last minute defaults to pizza or fast food, plus, we’re consistently and intentionally within budget. It’s a fabulous feeling… that’s true self care.

And you might be coming at me right now with the excuse of time. Let’s just get to the bottom of it right now. We all have the same amount of time – my 24 hours is the same as your 24 hours and we each have 168 hours in a week. Now, it’s how we mamas choose (and yes, it’s a choice) to use our time.

Trust me, I’d love to sit down and binge watch “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” on Sunday afternoon just as much as you would. But not at the sacrifice of my sanity and stress level for the next 5 days.

So, instead, I’m (more often than not) choosing to schedule time to meal plan and prep for the week ahead on a Sunday afternoon and blocking off time for relaxing. During that time-blocked relax time I can watch TV or do whatever I want with Zero guilt about dinners/food or whatever else could be looming because THIS is my free time.

In this context, time blocked for meal prep, for entertainment, or for calendaring is absolutely self-care.

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Massage

This may be an easy one for you to understand, but I’ve struggled with this one, believe it or not! I have gone through various phases since having kids where I’ll have 1 massage a month or once a week. My personal struggles with this revolve mostly around the guilt of taking an hour to myself instead of being “there” for the kids.

I’ve had to do some heavy internal thought work around this because I need that time away, I need to enjoy a quiet, peaceful room for an hour with no mental adgenda, and to be allowed to nearly fall asleep while having the golf balls rubbed out from under my shoulder blades.

Know why? Because when I come home, I’m refreshed, in less pain, and carrying less stress weight, and therefore, more present with the ones I love. There’s a reason you feel 10 lb lighter after a massage.

Our bodies hold onto whatever stress in our muscles, and there are just some things you can’t stretch out. Taking the time to get a massage was especially important when I started a new job last year and things weren’t quite going as planned.

All in all, getting a massage is as healthy for my mind as it is for my muscles and while there’s definitely a line you’d have to draw where you’re away from the kids too much or spending too much money on yourself, if things are budgeted and planned, this is SO important!

Declutter / Simplification

Decluttering and simplification are definitely self-care in my book. Yes, cleaning out a closet or consolidating bookshelves is work, and it may not be what you call “fun”. But let me share why I think this way…

When I walk into a room that’s clean, organized, and basically pretty, I’m hit with a wave of peace and happiness. The experience is very different when I spend time in disorganized, cluttered space.

Now, my husband will tease that I’m no clean freak and that I don’t pick up after myself as often as I should, but that’s neither here nor there. Little things around because the space is “lived in” don’t bother me, but when something is just a complete disaster – maybe the closet piled so high with junk that you’re afraid to open the door (yep, I had one of those before) or the dresser who’s drawers were bursting at the seams with wadded clothes so that it’s difficult to get the drawers open – basically things that are overflowing to the point that it’s a nuisance.

When a space – whether that be digital or physical space – is a mess, it tends to be a source of frustration and linger in the back of our minds as a “need to do”. For some of us, it might even end up on a to-do list for weeks on end. Either way it’s annoying.

So the next time you feel an irk of annoyance because some mess catches your eye, pay attention to if any other tension is created. When you sense this and realize what’s happening, block off time to sort, declutter, organize or simplify that particular thing.

Why? You ask? Because afterward, you’ll no longer be annoyed at the sight of whatever it was, because it’s no longer on your to-do list, and because you’ll feel so much more at peace in your own space. This is how it plays out in my life anyway – I’m much happier when I’m not embarrassed to have someone over. And that level of relief is true self-care for me.

Time With Friends

This is another one I’ve struggled with, but that I’ve concluded is of utmost importance. Sure, it’s difficult to schedule a date between conflicting schedules, it’s challenging to hire a babysitter, and sometimes the effort it takes to actually get dressed and go out and show up to an event is nearly exhausting in itself. And of course, there’s a fine balance to find between being the mom who’s out with friends and away from the family too much versus the mom who gets out sometimes as “good medicine”.

A night of unwinding filled with encouragement and positive vibes from girlfriends, belly laughs,  and a little music can really do a soul some good! Something I’ve been working on lately is surrounding myself with women who aren’t afraid to have taboo conversations, who inspire me, and who support and nurture my entreprenurial side. So, double-check your circle – if those friends don’t lift you up and inspire you, it’s time to refresh the attendees.

Getting “out” removes us from the mundane day-in and day-out of our lives and gives us an outlet in which to just let loose and be silly with those we love. And then, it never fails, when I’m back, just like from a massage or a run or whatever, I’m happy to be back. I’m more present, happier, and more calm than I was prior. So, all in all, good times with fun, supportive friends is definitely self-care.

Yoga

This one might be easy for you to believe, but yoga is definitely self-care. Now, it can be expensive and the classes need to fit into you and your family’s schedule well, but if those boxes are checked, yoga as self-care is so legit. 

Even if you have to do a free video series you found on youTube, (by the way, I highly recommend Yoga with Adriene) it provides time in your own little world – where you can concentrate on your thoughts, your muscles and the purity of the movement.

I don’t know about you, but I really appreciate quiet time – with no outer voices, expectations, or influences, just the simple sound of my heartbeat and breath. And just a little insight here – during this time or immediately afterward, when all things are peaceful in my brain, THIS is when clarity comes to me. So if there’s an issue I’m facing or a problem I’ve been mulling over, yoga really helps me figure things out.

Often, our lives as mothers are so busy and so noisy, that we don’t get time to just be with and examine our own thoughts. We feel inundated with information, checklists, to-do’s, and everyone else’s wants and needs that seem to always take precedent over our own.

So, for a single yoga session, the opportunity to get centered and gain some clarity alone? Yeah, That’s real self-care.

Therapy / Coach

I’m so glad to see this one becoming normalized! We all need therapy – we’re all a little crazy and we all have weird past experiences that shaped us in some way. We carry the results of those experiences, and, regardless of the subject matter (money, relationship, scarcity, work ethic, etc), we project our thoughts and our assumptions onto others.

In conversation, in our actions, and in the way other people respond to us, we can see the results of our prior experiences manifesting themselves into our current lives. This is where time with a therapist or engagements with a coach are beneficial – to help us rewrite those negative stories and alter the behaviors that perpetuate them.

Even coaches do self-coaching… constantly! In fact, coaches often become coaches because they have a messed up past, but they figured out the path out and now want to help others do the same thing.

The act of hiring a therapist, seeing a counselor, or seeking out a coach to help you overcome an obstacle shouldn’t be shameful and no-one should have to justify their choice to seek help. Any type of coaching or counseling definitely belongs in the self care bucket.

Legit Vacation Time

Even if just for a weekend away, a conference, or a full on device-free family vacation is absolutely self-care. Any amount of time where you can physically and mentally step back form the binging and beeping and fast-paced demands of this current life clears your mind, allows you to remember what’s really important to you (it’s probably not work!), and gives you space to come up with new ideas, a different strategy, a new coping mechanism, and even just decide if your daily actions are in alignment with the life you set out to create.

In the entrepreneurial space, its openly discussed about the dangers of working in your business versus on your business. The CEO working on their business is focused on strategy, growth, partnerships and the high-level decisions you’d expect. The CEO who gets stuck working in their business gets buried by the day-to-day processing of payroll, invoicing, social media, coordination with employees, etc. Working in the business bars that business owner from having the mental space to strategize toward their big dreams and that person often forgets why they even opened up shop in the first place.

I think motherhood, and life in general, is a lot like this. It’s natural to get buried in the day-to-day responsibilities, mindlessly cart the kids to their activities, and just get lost in the routine of things. This is why vacations are important. Typically you’d travel somewhere, even if it’s just the hotel in the next town over, and you’d be physically removed from the normality of your life. It’s only when you’re pulled outside your comfort zone, that you may be able to see things more clearly. So, vacations are most definitely self-care.                               

Hired Help

Hiring a maid service, nanny, driver, or any type of hired assistance that helps you manage your day to day stress by relieving you of the responsibilities you face so that you can spend time on things that bring you joy falls into the self-care category in my book. Cleaning the house, juggling the kids, work, extracurricular activities, plus regular home responsibilities like meal planning, grocery shopping and scheduling repair men can be overwhelming at times.

Hire help when you need it. If week after week you feel like you can’t keep up with the clutter, bathroom grime, and dirty dishes, hire a housekeeping service. Just do yourself a favor and relieve the pressure. Work it into the budget and make sure the family is on board, but yes, the fact that this alleviates an internal stress you carry week after week makes it a priority.

I’ve hired help to get my kids to activities on time, we’ve had the house steam cleaned by professionals instead of chalking up an entire Saturday to doing it myself, and we’ve paid for delivery services and online grocery options at times because I just couldn’t handle one more dang thing on my plate that week.

We all go through stressful or busy seasons, if you’re feeling pressure from tasks like this, hire a service to help you.

Let Down The Wall

At the end of the day, if you’re really being honest, what is self-care to YOU?

I want to be clear, if you strongly believe that some form of indulgence is self-care, please just re-evaluate the feelings behind why you’re being drawn toward that indulgence. Think about if you’ve felt you need to explain yourself or justify your choice.

Examine if there’s any level of guilt that you’re subconsciously shooing away around indulging in that activity. These are all triggers to let you know that the activity isn’t really self-care and that you’re likely redirecting (or ignoring) some underlying emotion.

On the flip-side, basically anything that contributes to your health, happiness, security, or wealth now or in the future (i.e., abundance) and has the potential for long lasting results is self-care. Items that are a short term sweet treat that are in any way “cheating” on a health plan, the budget, time with family or friends, or that holds you back in some way from becoming your best self possible in that very moment, is not.

Self-Care IRL (in real life)

Implementing self-care into your real life may seem impossible if you’re facing a very busy season of life, and I understand that, although I will tell you it’s possible. Find the mini-moments to enjoy and appreciate yourself. Empower yourself with thoughts like “I am a strong and capable woman” or “I worthy of all the abundance this life has to offer” in the few quiet moments you have.

Simple actions like fully appreciating the 5 minutes you get to snuggle in your robe with a hot coffee or the glance of appreciation your kid gives you when you help them find a lost toy – those are the moments you can start to build a little self care and abundance into a busy season of life. These may not be an hour-long session at a spa, but they will change how you see yourself and your days, one tiny bit at a time.

I challenge you to journal after reading this article – think about what REAL self care feels like to you and activities that create that feeling. It’s possible that the deletion of other certain activities might create a more self-care friendly atmosphere in your life. Once you’ve identified these happy thoughts, peaceful moments, or ideas that seem to be calming, begin to look for ways you can incorporate just one of those things per week into your life.

Mama, nobody’s going to do this for you. Wishing you abundance, in all ways.