In every relationship, especially since opposites attract, there are conflicts & disagreements about how something should be done. A common point of contention in marriages has to do with money management in the household.
As we explore the common rhetoric around budgeting meetings, financial struggles, and how to be happy in your relationship regardless of your financial situation, I present to you the concept that when we desire change in life, on any subject, it starts with our own personal perspective, priorities, and how we show up to life.
Value and Money Perspective
When we realize that money is simply a tool at our disposal that can be used to help us have more of what we want more of the time, we have the freedom to examine precisely what it is that we want in this life and decide how we will go about its pursuit.
Time is a finite resource while money is infinite. So, one of the most rewarding ways to use money is to pay for services that we don’t want to do or don’t enjoy doing in order to free ourselves up for what we do want.
Whether we want more free time, time to work on our business, the comfort of knowing something is taken care of so we can be present with our kids or spouse, or simply a cleaner house more of the time without having to do it ourselves, the true value exchange occurs when we begin to value ourselves higher than what the service costs.
If something “costs too much” that actually means it’s not a priority to us. Cost and whether we judge it as being expensive or not is relative and constantly fluctuating. A $3K vacation might seem expensive, but a Disney vacation for $3K is a steal. Recognizing that thoughts are just thoughts, not truth is key.
Instead of showing up in the relationship like the thoughts are truth, take a step back and examine the thought – where it came from, what assumptions or expectations are tied to the thought, if the thought is truth, if words were exchanged that proved the thought, and whether the thought gives us value or takes it from us.
For Me, Not Against You
When it comes to balancing both people’s priorities in the relationship, the standard sit-down money meeting, spreadsheets, and meaning assigned to spending or savings patterns might not always go smoothly. Many wives have an ongoing “he doesn’t care” story playing at the same time their husbands have a “she doesn’t care” story cycling through their minds.
Often, this is the result of assigning meaning to each other’s actions without actually having a clear conversation about the situation. The belief that if we had more money, we wouldn’t fight about money and ________. Fill in the blank here – we’d fight less, be more intimate, spend more time together, etc.
One thing to notice is how questions are asked and requests are made in your relationship. If you ask that a dinner plate be placed in the dishwasher, is there an expectation that the hubs should be glad to help and say “yes” with a smile? It’s important to distinguish a request without expectation of the result from a demand or a request with an expectation.
Furthermore, if an item, service, savings goal, or other financial topic is valuable to one partner, it doesn’t have to also be valuable to the other. When we do something, buy something, or make a financial choice that aligns with our values, confirmation or permission isn’t required from our partner for that item to maintain it’s value. When a partner makes a different choice, one that’s valuable to them, it’s not to be taken as a dig or an insult to you.
It’s okay to have different priorities. In this case, each partner must realize their choices are “for me, not against you” and begin to work on finding a balance between the priorities of the partners in the relationship. This way, the couple begins to work as a team to find the balance instead of trying to force one another to agree to a single side’s desires.
Spread the Wealth, uh Love
We mamas are constantly fighting common beliefs around being “supermom,” beating ourselves up for not being able to keep up with it all, and feeling less-than or of lower worth because of societal rhetoric that men are the breadwinners and women are to provide intimacy. No matter your employment or stay-at-home status, it’s important to recognize that your perspective, happiness, and priorities are valuable.
Women who maintain a strong sense of self-worth are more likely to “show up” to the relationship and all the roles she plays (mother, care taker, maid, CEO, money manager, errand runner, maintenance scheduler, etc.) with strength and an eye for what’s worth her time and what’s not. This allows better decision making, more clear communication, and increases the likelihood that choices will be made in line with what she views as creating abundance.
It’s not uncommon to avoid a conversation, pull back, and bring tension to the relationship as a result of the fear of conflict. Unfortunately, the issue continues to boil under the surface until addressed and will begin to feel like resentment, distance, withholding, or a trap.
When we show up to the relationship because we want connection and intimacy, no matter the issues in other areas of life, we automatically increase our own happiness and abundance of love within the relationship. Holding ourselves back from intimacy only perpetuates our own worst-case scenario and distracts from what IS working in the relationship.
Meet Life Coach, Deise Clements
She’s a Certified Life Coach focusing her work on Marriage & Sex Mindset Coaching. She helps moms create better marriages WITHOUT having to change their husbands first – because the truth is that it only takes ONE person to change a relationship.
She especially loves helping “words of affirmation” mamas who feel like they are never going to get the connection they want from their husbands. She helps them work through people-pleasing and perfectionist tendencies that aren’t serving them and helps them discover how they can create all the passion, fun, and friendship they desire in their marriage, even when life’s not perfect.
Follow Deise at
www.instagram.com/coachingwithdeise/
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