Of all the sacrifices we women choose to make in life, time shouldn’t be one of them. I recently discovered the concept that we can always get more money, but we can never get more time. I couldn’t pinpoint it back then, but this is what has weighed on my soul especially heavily since I became a mother. You really can’t ever get those baby days back. You can’t rewind and undo a decision you made that resulted in you not being home for storytime and you can’t take back the grumpy moments you brought into your two-year old’s day because you were tired.I’m all about accepting our past experiences, gathering the lessons learned, and moving forward in a guilt-free way toward a more positive future because of those not-so-great decisions.
My Main Q:
If we can’t get time back, what can we do to ensure we get every minute’s worth of the time we have? What can we do to make sure we don’t squander those precious, fleeting moments?
The Main A:
Feelings of appreciation and abundance with the moments we do have come from actual presence – awareness of how we’re spending the time we have, and valuing who we’re with.
Episode 13 on Reaching Abundance: Time Management & Building the Life You Want
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Valuing the Time and Connections We DO Have
When my kids wake up in the morning, I have one chance to greet them with a smile and say good morning in hopes of putting a smile on their face so they begin their day on the right foot.
When my hubs walks in the door after a long day of teaching high schoolers and coaching out in the cold rain, I have one chance to throw my arms around his neck and greet him with a firm, warm kiss on the cheek to let him know I really missed him today and that I’m actually happy to see him.
When a girlfriend asks if I “have time to chat” I have one chance to pick up on that cue that she really needs me and react with compassion. Those moments in which we meet over warm coffees while she tearfully shares that she feels like no one understands her can never be reversed.
The connection created in each of these moments is priceless.
And through each of these interactions, the thought that I have that one moment to make a difference … wow.
Change toward presence, happiness, and fulfillment starts with us first and then travels into the people closest to us based on the way we act with them. As mothers it’s ever-increasingly important that we find contentment within our own lives for this reason – because it impacts our kids, our spouses, our friends… everyone!
Stew in Unhappiness or Consciously Create Change
We can be unhappy or we can change things. I have examined my own life multiple times over the years and asked myself what I do and don’t like and why, and then what I’m going to do about it. And I’ll continue to do this periodically because this thought process allows me to consciously work toward the picturesque, abundant life I expect and dream of for my family.
You have a choice, remain unhappy or change things, here’s how.
For years, the rhetoric in my brain was that there’s never enough money and that there’s never enough time. This perpetuated an internal cycle of struggle for me. I battled with planners, calendars, struggled meeting commitments with friends and family, and was chronically late to everything.
At this point, I still don’t have it all figured out and I definitely can’t say I have these problems SOLVED, but I’ve learned a lot and am very open to constant growth and education and experimentation in this area of time management.
Self-Management
Actually I’ve learned, and this especially holds true for me, that time-management is self-management. We don’t manage time at all. It comes and goes no matter what we’re doing. So to manage my time better, I’ve actually had to learn to manage myself better.
The thought that time passes whether we use it wisely or not makes me do a reality check about 2 things –
1) the time I waste doing “nothing” – which, that could be social media, walking aimlessly around the house because I forgot what I was about to do, or even when I catch myself browsing for things when I’m not even actually going to make a purchase.
2) the time I spend doing mundane tasks I hate, or worse – doing things I feel that I “have to” do
Somewhere along the way, we women have decided that all of the family’s cleaning, cooking, laundry, dishes, household maintenance, scheduling, shopping, dishes and everything else is our “Job”
Why? Who says? If you hate doing laundry and dishes and you can work the cost into your budget, then, by all means, hire a housekeeper! Again, you can get more money, you can’t get more time.
Buy Your Time Back
I want to challenge you to identify things you hate doing that may very likely be taking you away from other things you love, like family time. (I’m actively doing this too!) From here, we have to figure out a way to either hire help or rebalance the schedule so that we solve that tug-of-war within our soul.
Before you go off on not affording to hire help, Are you sure? Have you actually sat down with the numbers?
So, the challenge goes further then – What are you spending money on that doesn’t even bring actual joy to your life? You ditch a few money-sucking habits and you can afford to pay a housekeeper or a laundry service or whatever service provider is able to take care of that task that you hated so much.
And then guess what just happened? Suddenly you have that time back. Boom!
This is exactly why I strive to live a debt-free lifestyle (and share about it!) and to save and invest as much as we possibly can.
The Elusive Work/Life Balance
It’s one of those things like success or beauty that’s immeasurable and that can only be defined by each individual. I first became aware of this continuous struggle while I juggled a regular, full-time corporate job AND a growing family. I remember driving to work with tears streaming down my face as a result of the guilt I felt leaving my children at daycare so that I could go to work.
I also remember the feeling of being torn in half, day after day because I wanted to be with my kids but knew how much debt we had and that I MUST earn an income so that we could pay those bills plus have food on the table and gas in the car. What I wanted and my reality seemed so far apart.
Then comes the daily and hourly work-related decisions around what you can get done in each hour, how many to-do’s you can mark off your list, and which projects you can make actual headway on each day. It seemed like I could never get enough done.
So, there I was, feeling unfulfilled at work WHILE missing out on my kid’s first words, steps, and sweet naptime snuggles.
There’s no other way to describe it, it just sucked. It was hard, I felt like I was going crazy more often than not, and I cried multiple times a week. So, if that sounds like the season of life you’re in right now, I want to tell you I understand. I’ve been there. Me too, mama.
Attempting to Separate Work-Life and Home-Life
I always was told (and believed) that if I honed my time management skills, I could get enough done at work to feel good about it and be able to be 100% home during non-work hours.
That meant when I was home I didn’t think about work, much less bring any work home. On the flip side, that also meant that when I was at work, I didn’t think about personal stuff. I tried to draw that hard line between these two major pieces of my life.
I began being intense about my time at work and would mentally beat myself up every time I noticed distraction creeping on my time.
When I was home and I caught myself inevitably mulling over some issue with a work project, I’d get frustrated there too. I started to feel like this was just one big scheme against me, that it was just too hard to separate the two, and that it was nearly impossible to only think about one “lane” of life for large periods of the day.
The truth is, work-life and family-life do intersect. They are part of LIFE. You do the one to support the other, the two roles depend upon each other. Many of us feel important and valued and even find fulfillment in both roles.
Drawing a line between them is what makes managing our lives as providers and mothers even harder because it opens the door for us to put even more pressure on ourselves. Just the same as finances, family, health, communication, and lifestyle intersect – everything’s connected.
WFH, SAHM, WAHM, or WM – Time Knows No Difference
My corporate self used to dream that if I worked from home that I’d have the freedom and ability to do whatever whenever. That I could workout, do yoga, eat the healthiest meals, and even have time to walk the dog and read books and that I’d be volunteering at my kids’ schools more often. But am I doing those things? Nope.
Why, though? Because I’ve discovered my tendency to fill every day and every minute with stuff. I’m “busy” all the time, even though I probably couldn’t explain where half the time went in a day. Maybe this sounds all too familiar…
So, you see, I’m not sharing this because I’ve got it all figured out. I’m sharing because I’m in the trenches with you – trying to block enough time between a meeting and a call for the drive time so I can actually get home and have my thoughts collected.
I’m intentionally working daily to be on time to meetings, get tasks marked off the to-do list, get enough done work-wise, connect with friends, plan ahead, and be present with my family in the evenings.
This brings the phrase “the time is now” to my mind.
An Enlightening Read
You won’t be surprised that when I stumbled upon a book about time management for moms, I jumped on it! And I’m SO glad I did because Holy cow, I wish I’d read it like 7 years ago when my son was tiny. It’s called “I Know How She Does It” by Laura Vanderkam. This read showed me how hundreds of 6 figure, working mothers seemingly “do it all”. The insight into how these women managed their days led me to huge ah-has when it comes to time management, work-life balance, and successfully managing a family and a career.
Weaved into these successful women’s schedules was time to work out, date nights, time to sip coffee peacefully, outings with friends, plenty of sleep, quality face time with kids, and even time for hobbies and reading – all while working over 40 hours a week, in most cases. The refreshing discovery? Women who participated in the study discovered that they worked less and slept more than they thought. For the first time in YEARS, I felt optimistic about managing my time. It made me question the conventional time-management wisdom out there, and, I bet after reading it, you’ll never look at your calendar or planner the same way ever again.A real, relatable, full life is exhibited by each of these women in this study, whether single or married, which debunks the myth that you have to sacrifice your career or sleep for time with your family or vice versa. We CAN have it ALL.
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There Is No Such Thing As Normal
I learned that we mamas are actually really good at making time for priorities each week. It may not be easy to shift things around or wake up at 5 am or leave work early for a doctor’s appointment, but it happens.
Sure there are plenty of days where we feel like total hot messes. So? I bet even on those days, there were things you were good at. The tricky part is remembering that and giving ourselves actual credit for those things.
The most obvious representation of this amazing ability to be flexible with our time and our expectations is when an unexpected event occurs – think water heater failure or fender bender. These events were not excluded from the book, because after all, what does a “normal” day look like anyways?!!
The mamas in “I Know How She Does It” took a day off, worked from home one day, and returned some emails on Saturday, but life kept going. The kids remained fed, business kept humming, the world continued turning, and the household needs were met.
You and I know an unexpected event like that is stressful and upsetting, but looking at the reality of these women’s time-tracked schedules, they didn’t lose sleep, still worked 40 hours or more, and they still had quality time with their kids.
Every day really is different, and I think realizing that, and quitting attempting to make our schedules fit into a perfect box is key.
A Take on Time-Blocking
One thing that I loved in this book is how blocks of time in 30-minute increments are referred to as tiles. All the tiles of our schedules, 30 minutes at a time, come together to form a mosaic of our lives – which is really a beautiful idea if I ever heard one. I’m a numbers person – typically just very analytical and a deep thinker – so this really struck me. Did you know there are 168 hours in a week? I’ve honestly never added it up or even thought to look at our week in a time block like that. If you have 168 hours each week, you sleep 8 hours a night, and you work 40 hours a week, which means you still have 72 hours in your week for other things. What do I do for those other 72 hours that I’m not sleeping or working? Truthfully, I have no idea.
I really appreciated the insight into time-blocking strategies, discovering clever ways to split shifts (child care or work shifts), seeing creative ways to incorporate family time, and witnessing how they manage the housework. The women in “I Know How She Does It” read books, worked out, enjoyed relaxed coffee morning dates with their husbands, were available for their kids (they took them to practices and attended swim meets and all), plus found high levels of satisfaction in their work – completely opposite of the rhetoric we’ve been told… that you have to choose between professional success and a family, that you can’t do both.
How To “Have It All”
They focused on priorities day-by-day, allowed those priorities to shift and change as needed, and found time to do things that were important to them. They planned well, used little “found” minutes – increments of time (waiting in line or between appointments) wisely, and took care of themselves.
I’m sure it wasn’t always easy. The women in this study tracked their time in 30-minute increments – can you find 30 minutes in your day? Honestly?
I’m sure you can! I’m sure I can find several 30-minute increments!
This made me start noticing what I was doing at least every hour. Am I on task? What should I be doing?
I’ve always been a list person, and I love checking things off the list, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been
a) good at understanding how long a task takes me or
b) good at staying on-task
As I was reading how they would only check and respond to emails during a focused window or two each day, I started to see more clearly how often I’m being distracted by bings and beeps.
They shared how they worked an hour in the morning before donning the office with their presence, escaped to joyful lunches with girlfriends, worked 3 more hours in the afternoon, hit up a yoga class, enjoyed family dinner, and then took the rest of the night off. What a beautiful way to handle an 8 hour work day! I began thinking – there’s no reason I can’t do this too!
This challenge to track my time in 30-minute increments and ensure I know what I’m spending my 168 hours in a week doing has brought several things to light. I’ve noticed that when I do have “extra” time, I have a tendency to allow that window of time to just disappear by getting lost in Facebook land or puttering around the house.
Feeling Optimistic About Time/Self Management
Somehow seeing the inside details of their lives as proof that they can do it encourages me. I’ve found confidence in seeing that it IS possible. I haven’t even accomplished anything in this area yet, and I’m already experiencing the shift in my belief that I CAN do all the things, have boundaries with my schedule, and be successful at work AND home.
I’ve said things are all about choices and intention and I feel validated that this applies to time management too. I know we have the power to choose what’s important in our lives each and every day and make sure our actions and the activities on which we’re spending our time reflect that truth.
I’ve begun exploring different planners, time blocking techniques, moving tasks to different times of the day or week based on my personal levels of productivity, and overall, fully embracing that I alone am in charge of my schedule.
Ending The Conflict Between Intention and Priorities
Setting Intention:
For me, this looks like planning out my day in 30-minute or at least 1-hour time blocks on a spreadsheet or graph paper just like they did in the book. That’s the intention part – my intention is that my day looks like the plan on paper. Some days that works, most days it doesn’t and I have to be okay with that.
As I plan things out I try my hardest to look at the schedule I’ve made and ask myself a few things:
Have I been realistic with how much time each of these tasks will take?
Does this schedule really look feasible?
Have I allowed enough time to get from place to place in between commitments?
Addressing Priorities:
Every day, and sometimes every hour I’m consciously asking myself “what’s the priority right now?”
Whatever it is is fine – maybe your priorities shift in the moment because of an email that has to be handled right away. The point is, I’m constantly refocusing on the priority for that week, that day, or that hour.
And here’s the thing – I’ve had to practice the art of NOT beating myself up when I catch myself off task. I simply take a deep breath, remember what I WAS supposed to be doing, ask if that distraction is actually a priority right now, and then either continue if the answer is yes, or if the answer is no, get back to the intended task.
Evaluate:
Finally, we must make sure we followed through with actions that supported our intentions and priorities. At the end of the day or the week, look back at your planner & do a very honest review with yourself.
Did you complete the intended things?
Did you have family dinner or work out or review the budget with the hubs like you wanted?
Did you submit that completed project at work?
If yes, then cool. If not, then give yourself grace. What else came up that you prioritized above that intended task? Did you allow enough time to do that intended task?
It’s… a…work…in…progress.
I Truly Believe We CAN Have It ALL
I really, truly believe we CAN have it all through intention, consistency, and always trying to be present in the moment.
Oftentimes we can flip our beliefs toward possibility by seeing other people achieve, and I think this is especially true when it comes to managing time & self. Here are my biggest takeaways:
1) We can all get more money – millions of dollars are transacting all around us every single day. The time we have though, is finite. We each have the same 24 hours in a day, which works out to 168 hours in a week, and it’s up to us as the leaders of our households to make the best of those moments.
2) If you want your kids to grow up with an abundant mindset and aspire for them to have great time-management skills, guess who they’ll learn that from. Time and time again, I see that when we want something in our life to change, there’s self-work involved that will create that desired change.
3) Feelings of appreciation and abundance with the moments we do have come from actual presence, awareness of how we’re spending that time, and valuing who we’re with.
Now, whether you want to call it time management, self-management, or self-control, it’s all the same to me. We’re all just doing the best we can and sometimes only an ounce of awareness is enough to tip the scales and completely alter our whole perspective.
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