Remember all the crazy stuff you did in preparation for your kids’ arrival? 

I know I’m not the only mama in town who insisted on the best, safest crib, did all the research about how babies should sleep, read all the reviews about every video baby monitor on Amazon, and even went so far as to alter my daily habits in the pursuit of providing health and life for our children. 

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Episode 5 on Reaching Abundance: Parenting Consciously and One Simple Action that Affects It All

But it doesn’t stop there. As they are infants and toddlers, we obsess about sleep strategies, when to introduce baby food, when they should crawl and walk. And when they start to walk, we go nuts trying to basically save them from killing themselves on hard floors, corners of coffee tables, and dangerous stairsteps. 

As we approach elementary, potential discipline needs arise – fits, throwing toys, hitting and the dreaded talking back enter the picture. All along I’ve been trying to teach, encourage, and even discipline with love and with an awareness that the things they feel and the impact I make in these young years will be carried with them for the rest of their life. 

No pressure or anything, right? 

The Reality of Motherhood

We have enough external pressure out there, with work, friends, social events, relationships and everything else, I mean, how could I possibly ALSO try to be so cognizant of how I raise my children? 

Sometimes the awareness that everything I say and do, the way I act, and even my feelings are going to be reflected in my children, whether I like it or not, is kind of freaky, maybe even overwhelming. 

It’s really tough to not fly off the handle and yell at them sometimes, right?

You know what though? We aren’t perfect. I can’t say I’ve never popped their hand, I can’t say I’ve never felt like steam was going to blow out my ears, and I can definitely not say that I’ve never yelled, because I have. We all make mistakes, get emotional, and we all act in the moment. 

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Let’s Be Honest

I think that’s important to recognize because I also don’t want my kids to somehow learn that you should hold your emotions back and that you should have such tempered reactions – I think it’s healthy to express your crazy sometimes. This is why we dance, jump up and down, or squeal with excitement – and the opposite of those reactions should be just as acceptable. It’s ok to cry, to be sad, or to feel hurt. 

I do my best to talk about this full spectrum with my kids. They are 5 & 7 years old now so they are starting to really be able to understand these conversations. Of course, I’ve been talking to them, nudging them toward comprehension of these emotions and actions for years, but it’s starting to take and I’m VERY happy to say that. 

Our work as parents is never done though.

All my effort, discussions about emotions, and attempts to discipline with an elevated level of intention… everything I’ve been doing is in an effort to provide them with the tools I think will benefit them in the future and therefore allow them to have an altered trajectory. 

Creating a Clear Future From a Blurry Past

When I look at my family history, I see broken homes, foster care, divorces, abuse, poverty, and even all-out neglect. There are trends that I see, in my own family tree that I absolutely do not want to plague my life and especially not my children’s lives. Imagine each generation slowly trying to make improvements over the prior generation, creating a very slow incline toward greatness. 

I’ve long believed that I have the power to break that pattern. I’ve always been the weird one – the one that disagreed with things, that never fit in, that couldn’t get along with family members because I disagreed with their behavior. Maybe you have a not-so-pretty family history too. If so, it’s likely that you’ve thought extensively about your desire to change that for your children. 

Our kids are the ones who are going to take that slow incline and make a jump upward and skyrocket toward a future that prior generations could never have imagined. SO many of the decisions I’ve made in the past 10 years have been with the intention of providing my kids with opportunities, experiences, and possibilities in their lives. 

It’s Physical and Emotional

In addition to the physical moves we’ve made – where we live, which daycares and schools the kids attend, etc. – I tend to have a natural interest in child psychology and the effects of emotions on people long-term. This makes me ultra-aware of the things my kids see, feel, say, and what’s said to them.

It’s hard to face any issue with hitting, talking back, or – something we’ve had to face recently – stealing – with acute awareness that not only do you want to correct the behavior, but you want to do it in a way that leaves this kiddo with understanding instead of fear, thankfulness instead of greed, and love instead of hurt.

When Gifts are Detrimental

This whole parenting thing has also made more apparent than ever, my a gift of being able to see Potential. Whether it’s in a person, things, or ideas, I’m able to so clearly see what COULD be. This is a wonderful gift. And it’s primarily why I’m able to empower and encourage my friends and clients so much, because when I say I believe in someone – I’m dead serious.

But that “Gift” is also a detriment to my emotions at times because when something doesn’t live up to that potential, I’m left with disappointment or even depression at what Could have been. I’ve actually felt loss, as if someone died, because something didn’t come to fruition.    BUT I’ve learned this lesson a million times throughout my life and I think I’ll have to learn it a million times more…

“You can’t want more for someone else than they want for themselves”

All my effort at this point is because I want for my children’s future. I want them to have joy, love, ambition, education, confidence, and live a fulfilled life. But when I’m wanting, dreaming, planning, strategizing, and all of that, I’m not in the present moment. My brain is in the future, thinking about what could be.

I’m subconsciously or consciously creating expectations. I like those expectations – I think they’re wonderful. And no, I don’t have specific dreams for my kids like their exact professions, ideal family, number of kids, or even where they will go to college, or if they’ll go. So when I say planning for their future, it’s not like that. My plans and dreams are for their experience their mental, emotional, and physical health. I want them to have an open mind, the ability to holistically consider themselves and others, and be creative enough to thrive in whatever the future world looks like.

I’m also not saying fly by the seat of your pants throughout life. Plan that grocery trip, the weekend errands & soccer schedules, and who’s picking up the kids after school. A certain amount of planning is necessary – in fact, you may want this 2 week / daily planner I created for my own sanity.

Presence versus Projection

So when I’m in my head and creating these expectations, I’m inadvertently setting myself up for disappointment (again) and what’s worse? I’m very likely going to accidentally project these expectations onto my children. 

That’s what we do, we can’t help it. That’s what our parents did – how many of us now, as adults are doing all this self-work, therapy, and personal growth to unravel the tangled ball of string our parents accidentally left in our soul? 

So I’ve become aware of how important it is, not to just provide the opportunity for them to grow so that they can reach their full potential, but to also give them space to become who they are supposed to be.

I don’t want my kid in therapy for years trying to unravel what I did. But maybe that’s inevitable. I don’t know, none of us know. We’re all just trying to do our best, right? 

Mothering Consciously Constantly

This is where the concept of Conscious Parenting has really begun to interest me.

Dr Shefali’s ideas are not a set of rules for us. Conscious Parenting is about engaging and connecting with our children to help them develop emotional intellect. It’s about eye contact, free play, and being present in the moment with our children.

She talks about how the brain thrives on empathy and connection rather than punitive methods which is SO thrilling to me! I’m diving into her books – she has a few – I’m going to read The Awakened Family first. Her other really popular one is called The Conscious Parent.

It’s less about how to discipline your kids and more about how we as parents react, how we interact with others, our language, our mannerisms, and how all of those things WILL be reflected in our children’s’ lives. 

The Connection

If we’re confident, calm, and have strong boundaries with others, our children’s’ lives will eventually reflect that too. This is exactly why I coach women with money! I have seen, first hand the connection between finances and confidence, boundaries, and emotional wellness. So this is just another application of the same principles.   

If we as mothers get our own personal behavior, emotions, and reactions dealt with, the other things fall into place – whether that be money, parenting, relationships, health – I truly believe it’s all connected. 

I’ve shared before that one thing affects another – you get your finances in check and suddenly you have to courage to get your health under control. Or you get your relationship to a healthier level and suddenly you have the energy to clean out the garage. Why? Because we are emotional beings and every action that we witness affects our feelings and then we behave as a reflection of those emotions. 

Leading with Love and Empathy

I’m all about being more conscious and present with my kids. I use the word intention often. Just as I intend to create a brighter future monetarily for our family (because that wasn’t an option for prior generations) and I take action to create the future that I want, I intend to nurture their curiosity, encourage them to build skills, and help them recognize solutions in a mindful way.

This doesn’t mean I won’t set limits, have stern discussions, or that I’ll allow unruly or hurtful behavior. I’m not raising wild, rule-breaking, chimpanzees over here. But I do believe, just as with any relationship, we’ll get farther faster by leading with love and empathy, and self-regulation rather than with fear-based techniques and harsh conditions.

Symptoms Have a Root Cause

If we deal with our own personal junk and get some of that resolved, it won’t show up elsewhere. Most of my clients do have personal garbage going on subconsciously, which creates habits in their lives and that garbage shows up in the way they manage money.

Whether people can’t seem to build savings, whether they can’t quit overspending, or whether they have “tried everything” and just can’t seem to make headway on their debt… It all leads back to the simplest thing.

This conscious parenting stuff doesn’t require you to do do a course or even read the books – I’m going to because I love diving deep and really immersing myself in research – that’s who I am – but don’t get overwhelmed with the idea that you have to do so much or accomplish so much.

The One Action to Change It All

The premise of everything I teach, practice, and share comes back to one simple thing. If you sit there and think  “I have to work on…” fill in the blank with “my money beliefs,” “on my behavior,” “on my thoughts”, you’re going to be overwhelmed in an instant. 

What if you could just work on one at a time? One thought, one action, or one behavior that’s happening right now. And deal with the next one as it comes up. The one thing that will change everything for you – the one thing that will alter your trajectory (probably your kids too)…

Is noticing an action and identifying the thought behind it.

You have to notice the single behavior – not something broad like screaming at the kids or impulse shopping – the ONE behavior.

For example:

1. I’m putting this purple strappy clearance dress in my cart or 
2. I’m yelling about Barbie being left on the floor.

It has to be specific. And this isn’t about someone else. This isn’t she left the Barbie on the floor.   

Taking Personal Responsibility

This is about you and me – our actions as the leaders in the home. I have to notice my action. I have to notice myself tossing that dress in my cart, stop and identify the thought behind that motion, and think about why I feel I need to buy it. I have to notice my reaction to the doll on the floor and identify the thought behind why that makes me upset.

Whatever you’re interested in working on – Pare things down, identify the action and the thought, one at a time. Practice and development of this single skill will change everything – your money, your parenting, your relationship, your work, your health, you name it.

Why? Because, by doing this, we’re being conscious and present.

This week I’ll be trying to recognize when my mind is in the future, planning or creating expectations. I challenge you to notice what you’re thinking about and why, take note of it, and then intentionally shift your thoughts to the current moment.

Through this exercise – we’re going to practice this over and over again – We’ll find more joy, less anxiety, and greater connection to the things and people who are important to us, which, I think, is something worth fighting for.