How to Help Your Child Battle A Negative Inner Voice
The concept of having a growth mindset has come to the forefront of the personal development focus, and as adults, we’re given practices, morning routines, and affirmations to implement. But what if you’re already seeing signs of a negative inner voice or disbelief or low self-esteem in your child?
As mamas, we all want nothing but the best for our beautiful baby, and the key components, dos and don’ts, and the ten activities you can do with your child will help flip negativity to positivity when practiced consistently over time.
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This is exactly my experience. You see, as positive as I am, I can’t just “work” on myself and my outlook. I have to figure out how to communicate these thoughts, perspectives, and practices to my kids so they can understand and pursue emotional health, personal growth, and a positive overall perspective too.
So, I dug in, did the research, have read, and am reading books on positivity, optimism, child psychology, mental health, and practices to help encourage all of the above. This post and the two podcast episodes (!) that go with it contains the key points I’ve extracted from the information I’ve consumed so far.
The way we act and the words we say matter. Our children are listening and watching. And if you haven’t seen them mimic or copy your sayings or behaviors yet, they will. This is why I created a “this not that” version of common money-related sayings (sign up for the free download above). Because converting the language you use in your head and out loud impacts your beliefs and your behavior. It’s powerful stuff! Plus, you can take these positive money mindset mantras and convert them into helpful phrases toward parenting, personal growth, kids, discipline… and much more. You got the hint, right?
3 Belief Pillars For Us All
I’ve always been a researcher and a strategist, it’s honestly what I do best. I was the mom who read and researched pregnancy nutrition, week by week development, birth options, and every choice applicable to a new mom. So it’s no surprise that as I’ve noticed emotional sensitivity, a strong sense of not-enoughness, and problem-oriented thinking in my son, I dove in. (resources shared at the bottom).
Through it all, I’ve found three key components someone with a growth-mindset believes. These keys are the foundation on top of which activities, conversations, and practices are built to nurture the growth perspective, thus must be implemented, practiced, discussed, and accepted wholeheartedly first.
Fair Is Not Equal
The concept that fair isn’t always equal is a tough one for kids. When my son gets new shoes every 2-3 months and my daughter gets multiple pairs of new shoes 2x a year, they’re getting the same number of pairs of shoes at intervals applicable to them. Or when an older sibling has more challenging chores, so they earn a greater allowance, this is hard to understand for the younger ones. These things aren’t equal in the moment, but they are fair.
Explaining that life doesn’t doll out the same circumstances to everyone and that people all face internal and external challenges that vary, is a deep rabbit hole. I try to keep it simple with the kids and use examples applicable to them, but you and I know full well that life isn’t fair or equal in most cases.
It’s important for each of us to realize that it’s not the problems and whether or not they’re fair that matters, it’s the ability to understand that everyone has different challenges than we do and that our job is to work through our own challenges the best way we can.
Harness The Power To Choose
The second of the three key components or beliefs is that we all have the power to choose how we will see a situation, how we will react, how we will feel, and how long we will dwell on the problems.
We all have the power to be grateful for the things we have. Each one of us has the power to decide to be joyous. It’s up to us mamas to teach not blind optimism, but the strength to alter focus toward how one’s personal challenges will be navigated or resolved instead of dwelling in the issue.
In any situation, if we understand that we have the power and the choice to see the opportunity, silver linings, lessons, or any other positives, we will be more growth-oriented and more positive than our peers.
Destined To Grow
The third and maybe the most important of the three key beliefs that support a growth mindset is the concept that none of us are born a certain way and stuck there. We aren’t born dumb or athletic or lazy or destined for a dead-end job.
Every human from every background has the opportunity to learn, grow, develop skills, practice, and work toward the life that they dream of for themselves. Unfortunately, too many of us forget the inspirational “you can do anything you dream of” or “you can change the world” phrases our parents told us as children and have to regain this mindset as 20 or 30- somethings.
Instilling this belief in your child and continuing to have conversations around relentless, life-long learning, practicing, and trying will (fingers-crossed!) allow your child to carry this belief throughout life. In my imagination, someone who believes this (and doesn’t forget it) will go much further in life than most of their peers.
Discipline Do’s and Don’ts for Parents
Being a parent is tough. Let me just sympathize with you here. There are books and research out there that can provide some direction, but even if you “know the stuff” it’s really tough to implement in a moment of frustration, heightened emotion, or panic. I got ya, and I completely understand.
In researching how to influence and promote a growth mindset in children, I came across some solid do’s and don’ts as related to discipline and parenting. It’s no surprise because, as I said above, what we say and how we act matters. The body language, words, and actions we take create and reinforce beliefs or perspectives in our children.
Let me say, we haven’t done the do’s and don’ts perfectly, but we’re trying. Much like we are having constant conversations about the three key beliefs, we adults are constantly reminding ourselves of how to act or what (not) to say. You might do the don’ts sometimes and not realize it, but remember, nobody’s perfect. The important piece here is to try.
Parenting Do’s: Create Trust and Safety
DO lead with love and compassion, especially when it’s the hardest. In the most heightened emotional situations where your first response would normally be to react with anger, offense, or discipline, it’s most important to show love, empathy for their feelings, and then attempt to understand their perspective.
DO let them feel seen and heard. As adults, sometimes this is all we want, so why would it be any different for a child? In a heightened situation, lead with love first, compassion and empathy second, and then the third step is listening. Discipline might be fourth, but when you approach a tough situation putting your child’s emotional well-being first, you establish an unbelievable level of connection, trust, and emotional safety between you and your child.
It’s possible they don’t understand why the rules are a certain way or that they lashed out after not getting their way because their logic and reasoning skills aren’t developed yet. It’s also possible they don’t have the language developed yet to explain themselves. When you lead with love and compassion and help them assign words to their emotions, you’re establishing a strong line of communication. Remember, even if on the surface their actions make no sense to you, some empathy can go a very long way in your relationship.
Parenting Don’ts: Yikes!
Stifling, diminishing, or invalidating a child’s experience or emotions can be as simple as saying “yeah right” or “you’re fine,” which are shockingly common phrases we throw around to each other and likely toward our children.
Don’t diminish their experience.
Don’t invalidate their feelings.
Don’t demean their actions or use shame or guilt as a method of discipline.
Don’t stifle their emotions or hinder their expression.
Don’t suppress their words, tears, fears, or fits.
Try to remember back to your childhood. Were there any phrases your parents said that made you feel small, like your opinion or experience didn’t matter, or that really pissed you off? I got the “don’t you talk back to me!” and “because I said so” often. These phrases sent me a message that my words, opinions, and thoughts didn’t matter, and that even if I had a question or an idea to present, they didn’t want to hear it. Oh, and that I wasn’t deserving of an explanation either – the because I said so thing REALLY got to me.
It’s tough, but in those intense moments, we must be cognizant of the words and phrases we use and how they might be internalized. We have to refrain from saying “don’t cry” and instead, encourage them with “I’m listening, honey” or convince them to take deep breaths so they can calm down enough to form words.
Abstain from phrases or expressions like “that’s ridiculous” you’re being ridiculous” which are both invalidating and diminishing, and then become acutely aware of language like “you better”, “how dare you”, “you made me”, and especially any words or sentences that create feelings of guilt or blame.
10 Activities to Help Your Child Battle Negativity
Once you’ve had time to discuss, practice, and create a solid foundation using the 3 key components above, plus time to evaluate your parenting style, potentially adjust the way you react in intense circumstances, and rephrase your approach to discipline, you can continue to build toward battling negativity with the following tools.
These ten activities are for you to implement in your own life, to help you maintain the three beliefs and keep your cool so you do the do’s and avoid the don’ts. They’re also for you to teach your child, though I don’t mean in the traditional student-teacher setting. When you practice these for yourself, talk through what you’re doing, and encourage your child to follow suit, you’re walking the walk instead of just talking the talk.
The number one activity you can do to create, instill, and nurture a growth mindset and positive self-talk is to model it yourself. We as mothers have to intentionally embrace emotions – our kids’ and our own – and show them what it looks like to experience fear, disappointment, struggle, sadness, grief, and anxiety, and what it looks like to create silver linings, see the bright side, and flip the mood from negative to motivated, determined, thankful, or action-oriented. If you can implement only one of the 10 activities, let it be Modeling Desired Behavior.
Next are Affirmations and Visualization. This can be as woo-woo as you make it, but no matter what religion or background you have, the words we believe, think, and speak are powerful. Kids learn and repeat what we say and do, so when you speak words like “I am worthy” or “I love a tough challenge” or “I am great at solving problems” out loud, I’m willing to bet you’ll begin to hear your children say them too.
Third, the activity of practicing Gratitude creates and nurtures positivity. You can use a gratitude journal with your kids where you write down what they’re thankful for every morning during breakfast, you adopt the practice too and show them your journal. Then, take it a step further and talk through how you feel when you’re thankful, how you seem to notice the positives throughout your day more, and how the negatives don’t seem that important. Another tool or exercise that we can all use is Breathing Exercises. Simply practicing 3 long, deep, slow breaths to the count of 5 during each inhale and each exhale can take a panic-inducing level-10 moment down a few notches and allow you to approach it with clarity and grace. The same thing happens for kids. When they feel frustrated, can’t find the words, or have their feelings hurt, 3 deep breaths might create enough “space” for them to communicate more clearly. Generally, we breathe very shallow breaths, especially while performing mundane tasks, when faced with a decision, and while sitting. So, odds are, our brains and our bodies are actually a little deprived of oxygen flow. This is why breathing 3 focused, deep breaths can release tension, create clarity, and provide awareness that we didn’t have 30 seconds prior.Next, a useful practice to create positive perspective is to Alter the Environment. This can be done anytime, anywhere by simply stepping outside, heading to another room, or even putting on headphones with calming music. I could tell my son was ultra-sensitive from the get-go, and I didn’t know it at the time, but we implemented this early. I noticed visual cues in his behavior and eye-contact that signaled to me when he was getting irritable at a large gathering or busy store and did my best to get him outside or to a different environment as a “break” to allow him to reset. I encourage you to use their room, the porch, or even a bathroom break as an altered environment move to allow them to learn they have the power to step away when they need to. This isn’t to be used as a punishment.
The sixth activity is more of a concept you can teach and remind them about. Many of us adults, especially in the entrepreneur world have heard of the classic Lizard Brain which refers to the prehistoric programming of our mentality to play it safe and stay small. I suggest you teach your kids about their Monkey Brain. Kids are fascinated by monkeys and will easily be able to see how quickly monkeys jump from tree to tree, starting on a fruit only to drop it and jump to the next thing.
The Monkey Brain concept is the part of all of us that thrives on flashy lights, YouTube, and distractions of all sorts. This is the same piece that spirals out of control with excuses, reasons their friends don’t like them, exaggerated consequences of some situation, feelings of fault & guilt and all that imagined negative inner monologue that we create. I ask my kids all the time, “is the monkey in charge, or are you?” That usually prompts a pretty insightful conversation.
Another tactic is the Superstar – What would they do? Most kids have a superhero, favorite character, or someone they look up to. That person or that superhero didn’t’ have a life of ease. Some of the most amazing people and well-known figures overcame the roughest situations. I encourage you to help your child learn about the challenges or rough patches their superstar experienced in life, where they came from, what they struggled with, and their process of overcoming the issue. Then moving forward you can teach your child to use that and think, “what would so-n-so do?” as a means to help them create solutions and take positive action.
The absolute most helpful of these 10 techniques to cultivating a growth mindset in kids is this one, number 8 and I call this the Magic 3. This is where we practice coming up with 3 potential solutions to any problem. We also apply this to rough-patches or “bad” situations wherein we practice seeing 3 silver linings or potential lessons.
This practice can be taught at any age, although if your child is under 7, they may struggle to come up with solutions on their own and require your suggestions. Around 7 the cause-effect and reasoning skills begin to form in the brain and they can begin to come up with their own creative solutions, so this has really taken off for us over the past year or so.
It’s human nature to dwell on an issue, see problems, and fear new things. That’s how our ancestors survived in the wild, right? But we don’t use our anxieties that way anymore, which leads us to the ninth activity: Anxiety is a Good Thing.
While some of us have heightened levels of nervousness, anticipation, or excitement, those feelings aren’t going anywhere or changing anytime soon. So it’s best we learn to love, accept, and even defend these qualities as a positive attribute. Our differences in reaction, emotion, opinion, and perspective are part of what makes us beautiful, so teach this to your baby and let them grow up with a level of self-love we’re only just discovering in ourselves.
Last, but not least, is to Provide Opportunities to practice these skills. It’s important that we allow our children to experience situations in which they can implement the Magic 3, Breathing Exercises, or Superstar techniques. We have to foster and create opportunities for our children to learn, express themselves, and follow their passions. Practice with all these activities and a safe environment in which to work through them is important.
Whether this looks like chess lessons, sports, or kids’ toastmasters, when we provide opportunity for constant growth, our children are acquiring skills, learning new things, practicing coping strategies, and fostering confidence in their abilities. If this looks like you learning chess or you outside fielding the ball, I encourage you to step back and think big-picture about what opportunities you can provide for their growth, and how you might implement or accomplish them.
Conclusion
As stated in both podcast episodes on this topic, this is a TON of information. I caution you from trying to implement too many things at once and from starting on the 10 activities prior to instilling the key beliefs and exploring the dos and don’ts.
Furthermore, remember that we’re all different people, we have different parenting styles, and that our children have different personalities. While some of these work really well for me, others might work best for your family. Be open to trying, tweaking, and making slow progress. We’ve been working on this stuff for about 5 years now and will probably continue for the next 10 more.
Remember the 1000 piece puzzle of abundance you’re putting together, one piece at a time. Focus on one color scheme or section, reach out for help if you need it, and again, allow slow progress to be celebrated.
Research Resources:
verywellmind.com/piagets-stages-of-cognitive-development-2795457
https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/take-a-deep-breath
https://www.cnn.com/2019/11/28/health/thanksgiving-gratitude-conversation-wellness/index.html
https://www.dailygood.org/story/426/how-imagination-shapes-your-reality-gabriel-cohen/
Book: The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel & Tina Bryson
Book: The Yes Brain by Daniel Siegel & Tina Bryson
Book: Don’t Should On Your Kids by Dr. Rob Bell
Book: How Parents Can Teach Children To Counter Negative Thoughts by Frank Dixon
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