Let’s ditch the Stigma, Mama

When was the last time you were chillin’ with your mom-friends on a play date, and what were you all talking about? It’s time you noticed how often your mom-friends don’t talk about money.

They’d rather talk about fashion, daycare issues, or even something really private like sex instead of money. Actually those things are over 3x more likely to come up than money.

If someone does bring up personal finances, it’s only about something costing too much or to share a great sale they found. Any nitty-gritty details or real numbers are totally excluded and completely hush-hush. The conversation or outing may even get awkward all of a sudden if too much financial detail is divulged. 

But it doesn’t have to be this way! And it shouldn’t be!

Every mother and child can and should have confidence and clarity in money management, but we’re never going to get there unless the taboo is released from the topic.

By not talking about it and being awkward when it’s brought up, we are fueling the fire beneath the broad-brush assumption that women are bad with money and perpetuating our exclusion from financial education. 

Money isn’t awkward, scary, or bad and if you talk about it, you aren’t any of these things either. By avoiding the topic, moms are actually perpetuating the money taboo, not only for women, but for our children and generations to come.

So I’m going to break it down and dig deep in this article. I’ll help you get to the bottom of why you feel these icky or queasy ways about money and figure out where they came from. 

I encourage you to do the inner work, even though it might be kinda painful. Removing the negative societal stigma around cash is the only way you’re ever going to have any, and the only way you’ll be able to teach your kids about it.

Push past the discomfort, pause, and reflect on some of the below. I sure did!

What We’re Up Against

Money, finances, and bills tend to be totally taboo in society these days. While men have no problem talking about their latest investment or how much they spent on their precious vintage mustang, women are highly unlikely to participate in any sort of financial discussion, and much less likely to bring up the topic. 

On one hand, there’s the general assumption that women don’t know much about money, are apt to let it slip through their fingers with a shopping addiction, and are completely lost and overwhelmed when it comes to investing. But on the other hand, studies show  that 51% handle the household finances and that 58% of women feel that they are more financially savvy than their partner.

You want to be impressed with those numbers, right? I’m not. I find this appalling and my heart sinks with disappointment when I read the statistics around women and money. We’re dealing with assumptions versus studies, and low-rate percentages.

Why aren’t all women involved in their finances? All women, and especially moms, should be equipped with money-skills, and feel confident enough to exercise them.

The truth is, money is the common denominator of any greater goal in this life. That food you eat, the nice house you want, and even the prestige you have and the respect you demand is all tied up with money. 

In addition to basic needs and wants for a better lifestyle, women tend to do beautiful things with their money. Bizjournals says 54% of women donate to charities versus only 40% of men and 66% of women have shopped or donated to a charity based store. 

Women tend to have big hearts and can really see the gaps and what needs to change, which is why 74% of of the workforce in non-profit organizations (think clean water wells in Africa, food pantries, educating young girls in India, funding orphanages, and creating rehabilitation centers for traumatized women and children.) are women. Yet only 18% are CEOs of those organizations. 

We’ve all heard it, money is power. Repeat that to yourself.

Instead of being 74% of the workforce (making little to nothing) for charitable causes, what if you had the money to throw at an issue to really solve it? 

Imagine the impact you could have on the world if you had millions of dollars. 

Imagine the smiles on the young girls faces knowing that they’re receiving an otherwise impossible education on your dime. 

Imagine what else you could do. 

Imagine how much collective good we could do in the world if every mom was educated about finance management and confident in her ability to do so!

What is icky or gross about being part of something bigger than ourselves and our families? Money only emphasizes our true souls, so if you’re a good person and you’d want to make a positive impact in the world, why wouldn’t you intentionally gain as much monetary traction as possible?

Why wouldn’t you purposely educate yourself about cash management, savings strategies, and investment options? It all starts with all of us pulling together and creating a money-movement for women and moms alike.

Let’s take it a step further. Did you know, per Agewave only 10%of women feel financially secure. On top of this women live longer. By the age of 85 there are 50% more women than men. 

Take your playdate outing and fast forward 50 years – you and your girlfriends are all chillin in the country club at the ripe old age of 85, sipping coffee and wearing big hats with feathers and playing cards (isn’t that what old ladies do?), half of you all will be widows.

You read that correctly, HALF.

Studies show 64% of women want to make it to 100, and actually many do. So from the age of 85 to 100 and maybe beyond, how do you support your lifestyle? How do you have money to eat or put gas in the car? 

I’ve just thrown several numbers at you, and I’m not trying to scare you. But I am trying to make a point. We NEED to know what money we have, where it is, where it goes, how it’s invested, and have a seat at the table any time money is discussed.

And since women are typically the last one standing, literally, we NEED fatter retirement accounts and thorough understanding of how to manage that money.

So, now that you understand how low the confidence percentages are, how much good you could do in the world if you had gobs of money, and how much you need money for your long life ahead, take a couple of breaths and think about the present. Think about your hard-working hubs or maybe your own career, your beautiful children, and your current reality.

Breathe. You can and will flip this. There’s nothing that’s been presented here that you can’t change.

The Power Within

The truth is, we as mothers have the power to change all of this. In most households, the burden falls on mothers to teach life skills (including money management) to their children.

Just as you would teach your child how to make a sandwich, how to dress themselves, and to flush the potty after using it, you should be talking to your children, in a positive way, about money. 

How can a mom be expected to teach something to the kids, if she’s not even involved with the financial decisions of the household!?! We have no choice but to break the taboo, for our children’s sake.

I know, without a doubt, that you expect your kids’ lives to be significantly better than your own. I also know, darn well, you don’t want your child facing a future of financial struggles and the same for their children and their children. 

You have the power to create a legacy of well educated, financially savvy children and grandchildren, and drastically increase the possibility that they will have a great impact on the world.

It all starts with you.

It starts when you break the taboo by being more aware of money, talking with your husband about it, sharing this article with your friends (TIA!), educating yourself about it, and not being afraid to breach the subject.

It’s important that you have the ambition, gain the knowledge, and exude confidence on this subject so that you can transfer all of those things to your children. Imagine being 18 or 20 years old again and not being confused, scared, or unsure about money.

Dream of what it would have been like if you never got that credit card or that student loan. Imagine having a clear direction, confidence about money and control over cash. 

Heck! Imagine how differently your retirement would look if you’d started investing at a young age!! That’s the gift that you could and should provide your children. I saw this chart when I read the The Automatic Millionaire and my jaw dropped. How I wish my parents could have taught me what I’m teaching my kids! 

Assumedly

One major issue surrounding money and the idea of being rich is assumption. You may assume that guy driving the fancy car must be a total jerk. You may assume that mom with the Luis Vuitton and perfect hair and nails is a total b-word. You may assume that the CEO of X company stepped on people on his way up the ladder. You may assume that anyone who can travel multiple times a year must have swindled cash from others in order to achieve their savings. 

But what have you heard about ASSUME? Yeah, you know. It makes an ass out of you and me. Please, I beg you, don’t do that to us. We’ve got enough battles to fight.

The deeper question is WHY do you assume these things? Where does that negativity come from? Why must someone who’s well-to-do be evil? 

Maybe that rich guy worked hard and saved for years to be able to buy that car with cash. Maybe that CEO makes the paycheck he does because he led a major initiative at his company and fostered an amazing wellness program for the employees. Maybe that fancy-pants mom scrimps and saves everything else she has control of, just so that she can have the luxury of a nice bag and pampering. Maybe the people you’ve been assuming detrimental thoughts about are really just like you and I and are just trying to survive this thing called life with a little style. 

It’s possible that your assumptions of the “rich” lifestyle are completely skewed too. Just the same as you can assume they paid cash for everything and they must have money coming out their ears, you could assume the opposite.

What if that fancy car guy, CEO, luxury loving mom, and traveling friend are leveraged up to their ears in debt. What if they panic and stress each month when the bills come in, pay every penny out, live paycheck to paycheck, and are just crossing their fingers that nothing goes wrong? 

No level of income is excluded from the possibility of financial struggle. Your neighbor, your co-worker, your best friend, and even your boss can live paycheck to paycheck too, you know. So, next time you catch yourself ogling something you “cant afford” or dreaming what it would be like if you had X, double back on your thought pattern and examine the other “behind the scenes” possibilities that you might have ignored. 

Assumptions about any group of society are unwarranted. It’s just as wrong to group and make assumptions about the wealthy as it is to make all-inclusive assumptions about any race, culture, or gender.

We as women are still fighting many negative societal stigmas about us as a whole, so why would we perpetuate alternate stigmas about others? I tell my kids all the time to treat others as you’d like to be treated and I’m sure you do too. So, mom, maybe it’s time you took your own medicine.

How has Fear or Jealousy Ever Benefitted You?

Fear and jealousy are additional great perpetuators of the negative money mindset. It all comes down to fear – and what, really, is fear? False Events Appearing Real. In other words, something you’ve dreamed up and made a reality in your own head. You’re so afraid of someone being jealous of you, that you’ve internalized it and reflected your jealousy outward toward others. 

You feel awkward when the subject of money comes up because you are fearful of what others will think of your personal financial situation. I have something to tell you. NO ONE CARES. No one cares how much money you have, what car you drive, or what your credit score is. Yet you’re so afraid that they do.

To compensate, you turn inward, smush any possibility of conversation or collaboration around the topic (which would actually help), and then demean and practically unfriend anyone who brings it up, all while being jealous and judgmental of anyone who appears to have more. 

What anyone else thinks is not your business and what you think of them is not their business. When you spend your time so afraid that others will judge your financial situation, all it does is perpetuate the negativity in your own head about money.

Maybe you’re afraid people will think you’re bragging or obsessed with money. If you’re genuinely interested and careful with the phrases you use in conversation, that will never happen. 

When you spend your time so afraid that others will judge your financial situation, all it does is perpetuate the negativity in your own head about money.

Where will your fear be when you’re 80 and still have retirement savings to live off of while they don’t? Maybe if you’d been more open about money management with your friend, she would have taken some advice and have a sweet retirement account right along with you. Maybe then, y’all could look forward to your old, wrinkly buns chillin on the beach together. So, help a sister out, will ya?

I challenge you to decide what this fear and negativity has done for you. I refuse to believe that fear has made your life excellent. I highly doubt that negativity has brought great things and people and opportunities into your life. If fear and negativity aren’t helping, they’re hurting. If you have found yourself short on cash, opportunities, and experiences, you may be harnessing negativity and scarcity-based thought patterns without even realizing it.

Step up to the Challenge

I’ve heard people say that getting rich would just be too stressful or too hard. I’ve witnessed women expressing that the thought of the taxes, financial planning, and insurance is just overwhelming. So you’re not even going to try to build your wealth? That doesn’t make any sense at all. 

Life is full of tough decisions. Anything can be stressful. That’s absolutely no reason to turn your back on the one resource that’s available that can make or break your future. Being rich is probably stressful, but I’d rather stress about which charity to donate to than which creditor won’t get a payment this month! 

Trust me, the stress level of a financially strapped, pennies left after each paycheck family is significantly higher than a family that retains significant levels of income in their savings accounts. Money fights are more common in paycheck-to-paycheck households, which, according to The Guardian, accounts to 80% of Americans. And I’m sure you’ve heard this study 21% of divorces are over money, although I’ve always heard it was closer to 50%. 

It’s possible that you’re fearful that if you get interested in money, you’ll rock the boat. Maybe the hubs has been taking care of all of the “money stuff” for years and it will be a sudden change of dynamic if you want to be involved.

I suggest gently expressing interest in when he looks at the finances and requesting some together-time on the subject. An honest interest and willingness to learn shouldn’t make waves. You can gradually get more and more involved, you can talk more openly about things with your spouse, and connect on another level.

I’ve also seen women who bear the brunt of the household finances completely on their own. And although it’s not as common, I know for a fact there are so many emotions and so much pressure associated with making large financial decisions on your own. So, in most cases, it would be extremely valuable to have an equal partner with which the burden could be shared.

I’ve also seen women who bear the brunt of the household finances completely on their own. And although it’s not as common, I know for a fact there are so many emotions and so much pressure associated with making large financial decisions on your own. So, in most cases, it would be extremely valuable to have an equal partner with which the burden could be shared.

This goes both ways.  Another set of eyes on the numbers helps too. You read earlier that 51% of women manage the household finances and are in charge of significant money-related decisions for their families. But what about the other 49%? 

There are still so many households in which one partner makes the financial decisions and the other has absolutely no clue about any of it. I would never advocate for you to completely take over the finances, unless it was a thoroughly discussed, intentional decision by both partners.

But I do strongly encourage you to get involved, express interest, and advocate for yourself and your knowledge when it comes to the household money. Ask questions, be insightful, find a good book, and make suggestions that align with providing a good future for you and your kids. 

Are you the Judgy McJudgerson?

Money is often a taboo topic because everyone’s afraid of being judged, so they reflect that lack-mindset upon everyone else. How have you witnessed yourself being judgmental? You probably didn’t even realize you were doing it.

Think back to the last time you saw something you admired. Did that admiration feel at all like envy? What did you think, either privately or out loud about that thing? Or better yet, the person who had that thing? 

Hardly anyone will admit to being judgy for fear of being labeled as judgmental. So instead, we tend to mutter under our breath, raise an eyebrow, and trap the horrible thought inside our own head.

What we don’t realize is that negative thought is internalized, festers for an unmeasured amount of time, and then attracts more negativity in return like the worst magnet you could ever dream of. For some reason, it has become acceptable to roll your eyes at what you consider to be flashy or too much or absurd. Who made you the judge?

That which is not corrected is reflected. 

If you’ve never taken a moment to notice and evaluate your thoughts when it comes to money, “rich” people, or fancy things that you yearn for, it’s time to recognize them. Once you catch the thought in action, you can take steps to reflect on it, evaluate why you feel that way and even investigate where that came from. 

Until you’re able to pick up those phrases that you mutter, like “rich jerk” or “selfish (b-word)” when you witness someone having more than what you do, you’ll never be able to flip those thoughts. You can’t just make them go away or just quit thinking that way.

It’s like a childhood trauma that needs counseling. Pay special attention to these phrases and thoughts and take time to work through them. 

Celebrating Others

Being judgmental isn’t only harmful to ourselves, but harmful to those around us. When we internally decide to judge others, we shut down our ability to appreciate what they’ve earned. That hampers our ability to attract abundance in our own lives.

Remember, “wealth” isn’t a pie with only a few slices, where taking a piece would mean someone else didn’t get any. By earning and managing your wealth, at any level, to YOUR potential, you have a larger chance to make a positive impact on the world.

The world has an unimaginable amount of positive energy and resources ready to flood your way, but if you’ve closed your mind and chosen to be judgmental about others’ choices instead of being supportive, you’ve built a dam in the river.

I’m sure you wouldn’t consciously make the choice to block money from flowing your direction, so it’s time to intentionally celebrate others’ success and work toward being less judgmental about peoples accomplishments. 

Your Green Horns Are Showing

Extreme judgement and anger can come in the form of jealousy, frustration with the way others spend what they’ve earned, and even irritation with how others treat their expensive belongings. “If I had that…” I wouldn’t slam the door, treat it like that, be more thankful, etc. When really, you have no idea how you’d act.

Honestly, at this point, if you carried all this judgement forward, you’d probably be a big disappointment to yourself, because you’d still be looking at others even more ahead of you- wishing into eternity and never being satisfied. 

Most often, the problem we have with money isn’t even from a negative experience or because we’re scarred from a poor investment decision, and any level of jealousy or being judgmental isn’t even our fault. We typically absorb our money-mindset from a misguided impression received as a result of influence. We are impacted, unknowingly and intentionally, by adults at a young age. 

It took me years and extensive inner work to discover the money-thoughts bestowed on me by my parents. I’ve even discovered that I received two completely different negative money-mindsets from each of my parents. 

I’m positive that my dad wanted nothing more than to have the big house and fancy car that comes along with the large paycheck, but instead of being impressed or encouraged by others’ success, he made hateful and extremely negative comments about anyone he saw who had achieved a “ridiculous” level of success in his book. 

I’m also absolutely sure my mom just wanted a few nice things and to buy her kids the cool back-to-school wardrobe the wanted. But miscommunication as to how much could be spent or was considered reasonable always led to money fights. I also remember this led to her teaching me to hide the shopping bags or leave them in the car until it was “safe” to bring them in… the wrong thing to teach your teenage daughter. 

What did You Learn about Money in Childhood?

Remember the fear talking earlier? Fear you’ll start a fight about money by getting more involved, the assumption that money comes with massive obligations and complications, and fear of judgement and jealousy all come from somewhere in your past. Did your parents or aunt or grandpa make comments when you were young that created this thought pattern? 

We’ve all heard the phrase ‘More money, More Problems’, but I can’t think of a tough situation that couldn’t possibly be made better by having more cash. 

Car accident? You’d have panic, fear, and worry on one hand, with no cash versus confidence in insurance, plenty in the bank to cover deductibles, and a cushion that will allow the insurance company the time to get the checks cut on the other hand. 

Rough flu season? Same thing. 

Major home repair or appliance breakdown? Cash in the bank to pay any contractor you need. 

Sick kiddo? Comfort in knowing that even if you had to take unpaid time off, you’ve built up plenty of savings so you’ll be able to pay the bills. 

In general, money solves problems, helps others, makes our lives easier, and can really change your life in a positive way, if allowed. Money is simply an exchange of energy in the form of something tangible. Why is it that we have assigned this negative connotation to something that’s actually just a neutral? 

Here’s the biggest thing you could ever know about money: You put in energy to work, you’re rewarded in the form of cash energy, and you provide that cash energy in exchange for food, electricity and water. That energy isn’t inherently good or bad, it’s a neutral medium used to provide value. 

Begin being mindful of how you feel – positive or negative – about money or being rich. I challenge you to notice if witnessing someone accomplish a money-related feat makes you feel one way or another. 

If things you witnessed in childhood are being carried forward into adulthood and into the lives of our children, we are obligated to recognize that, become aware, and stop that cycle of negativity. This is the only way we, ourselves can become better money managers and, most importantly, the only way our children will manage money well in their lives. 

We must stop perpetuating the negativity by repeating those negative money phrases, self sabotaging by spending irresponsibly when money comes to us, and by making decisions about our finances in a fearful, jealous, or judgmental state. 

We have to be more open to money, talking about money, and allowing ourselves to manage money in a way that reflects our true values. We are obligated at this point to ditch the taboo from the topic. Our girlfriends, mom-friends, and most importantly, children’s futures depend on it.